I realized...I have fallen in love with God

I realized....I've fallen in love with God.

There are moments in every woman's day where she thinks about love. We are taught from childhood on that love is the endless aspiration of every woman. We are read fairy tales, adorned with princesses that experience life changing and heart stopping love. We are told that love is this glittery sparkly floating feeling that you never come down from and it never hurts.

Well boy, did they lie to us!

Recently single, I'm learning more and more every day that I truly have never had a very good grasp or perception of what love is. I defined love according to the world's presentation of it. Lust. Attention. Admiration. Affirmation. People Pleasing. Self sacrifice. Romance and butterflies. But the truth is, when I first experienced love, all I had was a lot of false and preconceived notions. I had no real comprehension of love and all that it is and entails. I was so used to depending on people, running to them first with my problems. My version of love was people telling me how much they loved me. It was always needing someone to tell me I was okay, that I was accepted. That they needed and wanted me. I became dependent and tied to some many wrong and broken people because I was broken, and had no clue what love really was. I was infatuated with the IDEA of love, with the FEELING of falling in love, with the HIGH of being pursued, and the LUST of being wanted. And because all of those things were how I defined love, when I didn't get them I felt worthless. This was my experience of "love".

And so there I went from relationship to relationship. Taking my broken pieces and trying to fit them together with the broken pieces and shards of other broken people. By the time I was 18 I had been with someone for 2 years, and been broken. I found very quickly that love is a battle. It's work. By the time I was 23 I had been with someone else for 3 years and been broken and beat down even more. And then I realized, love isn't what I thought it was. And by 24 I finally admitted to myself this one thing: I have no idea what love truly is. Now at 25, I', newly single, and for the first time in my life committed to living for, learning about, and finding out who God is, and who I am through Him.

It's been 4 months. In 4 months of this season of singleness, I have seen God move in ways I never have in my life. I told myself I would devote myself, and dedicate myself to being intentional in depending on, spending time with, pouring into, and cultivating my relationship with God. At first, I had no idea what intimacy with God was. Yet, I kept on searching. I'd find myself spending hours listening to gospel music. I'd find myself spending hours reading my bible. And even then, I didn't think I knew anything about God's love. But then one day, I started to feel something. I started to feel the warmth of God's love as I spent time daily in prayer and communion with Him. I'd go to the park and just sit on the bench and look out over the lake and talk to Him like He was sitting beside me. I'd go to Starbucks and sit, and as I drank my latté I'd find myself thanking Him simply for how good it tasted. I'd go for walks and find myself complimenting Him on beautiful job He'd done with the grass, or the flowers. How lovely the moon was. When I was in distress, I'd find myself calling His name and pouring out my heart to Him. I no longer reached for my phone, or sought people, but I ran to Him first. I found myself seeing and hearing Him in people who would act out small kindness to me and gestures of love. Then I started to slowly realize....This is love! This intimacy, this oneness I have with God. This contentment. And I realized.....I have fallen in love with God.