Behind Queendom Peak

Where to begin. Let's see. Ah, the colloquial "Who Am I?" Well you see, I'm still learning. I have bits pieces of the answer to that question. Now I could look back over my 25 years, and give you all that I have been. I have been abused, I have been misused, broken and confused. I have been so lost in darkness that light seemed to be the thing you hear about in dreams, but never dream you can actually attain. I could take a good long swallow, and get enough nerve to tell you that I battled briefly with homosexuality in my teenage years, and that it cost me everything. I could tell you that I tried to justify it by manipulating the Love of God saying "God loves us all, and we sin daily. No one sin is bigger than the other." But when it sent my world tumbling down, and brought me to my face, I saw that God is sovereign, and means every Word that proceeds from His mouth. And then, I could reflect on how I have spent countless years, in hopeless relationships with masochists, womanizers, and narcissists, searching for my identity and my purpose in them. With each one, I'd leave with a new bondage, a more crippling heartbreak, and an even heavier sense of devastation and brokenness. I could, in meticulous detail, expose my past issue with prescription pills and my battle with alcoholism as a result of a 5 year relationship with a man who promised me marriage and children, yet couldn't remain faithful. How I thought my healing was at the bottom of that bottle, or the nights spent in random beds because if I could just give them my body, I could feel loved and healed and wanted for just that moment...until I lay alone in my own bed with nothing but the shame of what I had done, and the pain I thought I had just expelled. My method of healing was to exchange my temple, myself, my body to a man for just one more hit, one more high, one more momentary relief, one more numbing experience. If I could find someone to sleep with tonight, someone to desire me, I could get over the last man. I could get over the wasted years and tears spent breaking myself down to build him up, I could get over the fact that despite how good I was to him, and all of the other men, I could never be enough. And so I would lend myself out to man after man in each season of singleness after a breakup, hoping I could heal, but in truth I was simply entangling myself in a prison of soul ties. Soul ties that would ensnare me. Soul ties that would remain long after the relationship had gone. Soul ties that would lead me further and further away from God, and deeper and deeper into darkness. You see I could give you all of that, and say that that's who I am. But then I would be leaving out all the best parts. I would leave out that my suffering was necessary. I would be leaving out Romans 8:28 "That all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord, according to His purpose." I would leave out that the very heartbreak I thought would surly kill me, was in fact the 5 years of heartbreak that would reveal to me WHO God is. I was raised in church, and I knew OF God, but never had a personal and intimate relationship that allowed me to KNOW My God, Who He was, how much He loves me, or even who I was and am in Him. And as I lay on my floor one night, in a drunken daze, heart broken in a thousand pieces for what seemed like the thousandth time, I cried out "God, if you're really there and listening, I need you." And in an instant, for the first time ever in my broken life, I Felt God. I heard God. And not because He hadn't always been there, but because I had never bothered to seek Him. But all things truly work for our good. The very pain that lead me to alcohol, sex, pills, and almost death, is the very pain that served a purpose: To send me running and chasing after God. Now it's not always easy. It does not always feel good. And I'd be incorrectly representing myself and my life if I said that today, a year later, I have it all together. certainly don't. As a single woman, the fight is a daily and intentional one to remain in the will of My Father, to walk uprightly, to maintain my standards and my morals. To walk in wholeness, holiness, virtue, celibacy, and apart from what the world says young and single should look or behave like. But I am here to tell you that though the walk may be difficult some days, and the road has some rocky places, that for the first time in my life, I can feel and see God restoring my wasted years. He has truly picked me up, dusted me off, and is giving me “beauty for my ashes” (Isaiah 61:3). And that makes it worth it. That....is who I am.